During parent consultations, we cover varying topics to help parents and carers find the best ways to support children through life’s milestones. We asked our therapists to let us know which questions are asked most regularly. Here’s what we found and the answers you need to know.
Top Parenting Questions
How do I manage screen time and the impact on our family life?
It’s important to set boundaries for screen time and uphold these in the same way that you uphold other boundaries in the household.
They should be specific and realistic.
Base boundaries on the areas where screen time has the most negative impact. But prioritise so it’s targeted and achievable e.g. if the concern is around connection and relationships then ban screens during mealtimes to make time for conversation. Or if the concern is around sleep then ban screens in bedrooms. You could also have a set time when they are removed from the room.
Consider the different ways that screens are used in the household.
These may include homework, socialising, gaming, and social media, and again, target when they cause the biggest problems. Encourage those which are more helpful and productive.
It’s a good idea to record screen time usage for a week and sit down to discuss the plan with your family.
You can enlist the use of technology to impose limits through apps and policing what is viewed.
Finally, there’s no getting away from the fact that we are the models for our children. If parents have healthy screen usage and screen-free days, children are more likely to follow their cues.
My partner and I have different approaches to discipline. How do we align?
It is very common to have different approaches to discipline in the same family, which can be frustrating or confusing for everyone involved. It’s a subject that you might feel intensely about so it’s best to plan ahead how you are going to discipline for common behaviour issues in your family.
We recommend brainstorming when you’re both in a good mood (as it can be a hot topic) and taking time to reflect on your upbringings which inevitably shaped your feelings about discipline.
One thing to remember is that it is possible to be both compassionate and well boundaried at the same time. You can maintain firm boundaries without being harsh or angry.
Try not to polarise each other by falling into one ‘camp’ or the other. If you do, it’s easy to criticise each other for being ‘too harsh’ or ‘too soft’ when in fact you can both aspire to maintain clear boundaries consistently and kindly. If you can discuss differences with your partner out of your children’s earshot then you can be united for the stressful parenting moments.
Remember that your differences as a couple provide varied perspectives and role models that will enrich your children’s lives.
Differences enrich children’s minds whereas conflict shuts them down, so it’s worth coming together when it counts.
How do I approach & manage sibling rivalry?
Sibling rivalry is almost inevitable, particularly if they are close in age.
Try to find regular one-to-one time with both children to help reinforce your connection individually. This is best done by engaging in child-led play. Trying to stick to ten minutes a day playing with each child, a special time where you do exactly what your child wants with them. This really is a habit that reaps rewards.
When conflict arises between siblings, try to stay calm and neutral and act as a commentator rather than a referee.
Encourage both to problem-solve where possible. Address and validate any jealous feelings, letting them know that jealous feelings are normal but that aggression is not an acceptable way to expres them.
Instead help them to find other ways of letting out their frustration, such as going to a calm space, deep breathing or asking an adult for help.
Another playful approach is to create opportunities for the children to become a team together, perhaps in chasing or beating you, to build camaraderie and experience joy in each other’s company.
How do I develop my child’s self-esteem?
Try to validate the feelings beneath their negative self-talk rather than correcting them.
If a child believes that they are bad at something, no amount of telling them otherwise will convince them – but becoming more accepting of their feelings may help them to integrate these difficult feelings and become more resilient to setbacks.
Modelling positive self-talk and stepping outside your comfort zone is really powerful, as children pick up on parental criticism and low self-esteem patterns.
It’s a good idea to pay attention to praise in general, ensuring that it is specific and reserved for instances where you notice your child trying something new or making an effort, rather than in positive outcomes or their appearance, as this can set children up for a fall when things don’t go so well or look so good. You want to avoid giving them a sense that their worth is conditional.
Finally, work on your attachment with your child. Develop the bond that you have, expressing the unconditional positive regard you feel for them, no matter how well or badly they are doing or behaving.
Feeling important and internalising a sense of unconditional positive regard from one’s parents is the basis of self-esteem. This can be generated by making time for them, entering into their world of play, taking interest in their passions and delighting in their company and achievements.
How do I motivate my teenager to do homework or chores?
If you feel that you are regularly working harder than your child in your efforts to get them to do homework and family chores, you may not only be having an exhausting time parenting but you may also be denying your children the opportunity to develop self-motivation.
Sometimes it can be helpful for young people to face ‘natural consequences.’
If they have been asked to help with laundry, discovering that their favourite trousers aren’t clean when they want them is a ‘natural consequence’. Let it happen instead of stepping in.
Should they receive a detention for homework not being done, they are experiencing the natural consequence of their choice.
If you always step in to rescue them, you are signalling to your teenager that you don’t believe they are capable of taking responsibility. Give them the opportunity to motivate their own success and learn from their choices.
Experiment with stepping away and handing over responsibility. It will allow you to be less critical or ‘nagging’ in your interactions which will boost their self-esteem in the long run. If it goes wrong, then resist saying ‘I told you…’. Instead, be there to support them as they cope with the fallout of their choices.
If there have been recent changes and you are worried about your teenager’s mental health we recommend useful resources on the Young Minds website.
How do I promote a healthy body image at home?
Promoting a healthy body image begins from infancy, especially how you talk about your own body and those of others, either on TV or in life.
This means talking positively about your body and avoiding talking about diets in front of them. Instead focus on how your body feels and what it can do, taking the focus away from how it looks. This might mean thinking about the skills the body needs to perform tasks such as football or cycling and the clever functions and adaptions it has to keep you alive and well.
Parents should be aware of either praising or criticising anyone, but especially their child, based on their looks as this sends the message that your value is placed on appearance and can make children self-conscious.
It can be helpful to promote a range of body role models to your children, by ensuring that books and films that you access show people that are a range of sizes, shapes, colours and abilities.
If your child does open up to you about difficult feelings that they have about their bodies, try not to correct them or dismiss them, even if you think they look perfect. Instead, listen and show that you can bear their difficult feelings. If you feel similarly sometimes you might share your own struggles (in an age-appropriate way) and describe what you do to overcome them.
How do I parent children with big feelings?
If a child is completely overwhelmed by their feelings it is likely that they are in a primal state of fight, flight, freeze, where they are unable to reason or reflect.
In this instance, it is best to limit verbal input and be a calming presence, and/or you might want to bring them back into conscious awareness through breathing or grounding techniques.
If a child is experiencing big feelings but is not overwhelmed by them, then refrain from shaming (e.g. ‘what are you doing?’) or dysregulated responses (e.g shouting at them). Instead, focus on accepting and empathising.
‘Acceptance’ in this context means allowing all feelings, even those that are hard to bear, to exist in your family. Remember that behaviour is communication of feelings and there will be a range of triggers and meanings behind them.
We can communicate our acceptance by attempting to connect with what a child might be feeling rather than just reacting to the behaviour. Showing curiosity reveals a desire to understand your child and their behaviour. This might be as simple as rephrasing “why did you do that?” in an angry/disappointed tone which rarely gets an answer to “I wonder what could have made you do that?” in an open and questioning tone.
Ensure that you are calm and your body language is non-threatening (e.g. sitting at their level).
This not only diffuses big feelings but helps the child to reflect on how they became dysregulated.
True empathy involves the parent coming alongside the child and attempting to make sense of their behaviour. It involves active listening and staying with difficult feelings rather than correcting or fixing them. This accepting and empathic approach will allow your child to feel safe enough to come to you with all their difficult feelings as they grow up. Read more about emotional regulation.
If you are a parent or carer in need of advice on how to help your child or teenager with any of the above questions, our online therapists are here to help with the advice and tools you need. Book an Online Parent Consultation or get in touch with Chloe for more information.
