Giving birth to a child is often described as a miracle, but there is something equally extraordinary about the way a family can be formed through adoption. Think of all the millions of moments, choices, circumstances and chance encounters that have to unfold for this particular child and this particular family to find one another, at this particular moment in time. It is a profound meeting of lives – one that can bring enormous joy, but should never be viewed through rose-tinted glasses.
Adoption is not simply about finding a child who needs a home. It is about becoming the parent of a child who will already have experienced loss and separation, and who may also have experienced neglect, abuse or multiple changes of caregiver. These experiences inevitably leave their mark, and understanding their impact is central to becoming an adoptive parent.
The question that gradually becomes more important is not “What child would fit our family?” but “Can we offer the kind of parenting this child needs? And can we grow and adapt alongside them?”
Who can adopt?
In the UK, single people and couples, including same-sex couples, can adopt. You generally need to be at least 21, and there is no upper age limit. Being single, already having children, renting your home or having a disability does not automatically prevent you from adopting. Agencies consider your individual circumstances, including your relationships, health, stability and support network, as well as your ability to meet a child’s needs.
That does not mean these things are irrelevant. Your financial circumstances, health and employment may all form part of the assessment, particularly when considering whether you can provide a stable home and take the time needed to support a child settling into your family. Adoption leave and pay may be available to eligible employees, but the financial implications are worth thinking through at the very beginning.
Choosing an adoption agency
You can approach your local authority, a Regional Adoption Agency (RAA) or a Voluntary Adoption Agency (VAA). You do not have to choose the first agency you speak to, and it can be helpful to talk to more than one. The agency you choose will be involved in your assessment, matching and, importantly, your support after a child joins your family.
There are several well-regarded organisations worth investigating. Coram Adoption, which works across London and surrounding areas, is particularly well known for its adoption and post-adoption work.
Adoption Matters is a large voluntary adoption agency with services across parts of northern England and Wales. It is worth considering if you live within its area.
Barnardo’s runs adoption services in a number of regions and has experience finding families for children who may wait longer for adoption, including older children and sibling groups. Its services vary geographically, so check whether it operates in your area.
Parents And Children Together (PACT) is another established voluntary adoption agency, with adoption services in parts of southern England.
The right agency is not necessarily the one with the biggest name. Look for an organisation that is honest about the challenges of adoption, understands trauma and attachment, and offers strong support both before and after placement.
What does the adoption assessment involve?
The assessment includes preparation training, references, background checks, a medical assessment and several visits from a social worker. You will be encouraged to reflect honestly on your own childhood, relationships, parenting experience, expectations and support network. The process normally takes around six months, although individual circumstances vary.
Once you are approved, the focus moves to matching. This can be one of the most emotionally difficult parts of the process. It is not simply a matter of choosing a child. The priority is finding the family best able to meet a particular child’s needs. Ultimately, the agency responsible for the child will make the matching decision.
Look beyond the placement
Before adopting, learn as much as you can about trauma, attachment, loss, identity and therapeutic parenting. A child may be developmentally younger than their chronological age in some areas, or behave in ways that reflect experiences from before they joined your family.
Good post-adoption support is therefore crucial. Organisations such as Adoption UK, CoramBAAF and PAC-UK provide information, training and specialist support for adoptive families. In England, the Adoption and Special Guardianship Support Fund can also help fund therapeutic support for eligible families.
You do not need to be a child-care expert. You do need curiosity, resilience, patience and a willingness to understand what lies beneath a child’s behaviour. Most importantly, adoption is about making a lifelong commitment to a child – including their history, their identity and the relationships and experiences that came before you.
The more open you are to the myriad of possibilities that come with welcoming another human being into your life, the better prepared you may be for the extraordinary, complicated and deeply rewarding journey ahead.
A space to think before you take the next step
Deciding whether adoption is right for you can bring up questions about your own experiences, relationships, expectations and fears, as well as what becoming an adoptive parent might mean for your future. Having a confidential space to explore those thoughts can be valuable before, during or after the adoption process.
Through Counselling Time, you can talk things through with a qualified therapist in a supportive, non-judgemental setting, without needing to have reached a decision or be experiencing a particular problem. It can simply be a space to reflect honestly on how you feel and what you need as you consider the road ahead.
If you would like support specifically around adoption, Chloe also offers specialist Adoption Support Counselling, informed by professional training and lived experience of adoption. If you’re interested in learning about counselling but you’re not ready to book a session, select a Free Discovery Call to learn more.
