Most separating couples are understandably anxious about getting that first conversation with their children ‘right.’ Whilst there is no prescription that is right for everyone, our team of family therapists can help you find the right words for your family. Sometimes it’s helpful to ‘rehearse’ this moment quite literally so you feel more prepared when emotions are high. Here we share some ideas for that first conversation and some key messages you want your child/children to come away with.
Preparing for That First Conversation
Firstly stay focused on what they need to know. This falls into two categories: what is going to change for them and what is going to remain the same. When preparing what to say it’s important to keep returning to these points from the child’s perspective only. What is going to change varies enormously across families, but what is going to remain the same is true for all separating families: your love for your children.
When you first tell your child about the planned separation, it’s advisable to have a script that both parents agree on. It can be very hard to find the language, so take time over this. You know best the words that will make sense to your child. Think of it from their perspective, as they only need to know the aspects of the divorce that impact them and are age and developmentally-appropriate for them.
Consistent, Reassuring Communication
- Discuss the words you are going to use with your ex first so that you can both help the child understand what is happening in the same way. Ideally, you will tell them together. If that’s not possible, then using the same/similar language to explain the situation is important. It will help the child feel safe and to feel that their parents are communicating with each other.
- Remind children that both parents love them and will always be there for them. Be honest when talking about what is happening, but keep in mind the child’s age and understanding. They do not need to know everything, but they do need a coherent narrative that is true and makes sense to them.
- Avoid blame and don’t share any negative feelings the adults have about each other. This is very confusing, and your child may feel they need to take ‘sides.’ Any attempts to alienate the other parent would wound the child the most.
If you are a parent or carer in need of advice on helping your child(ren) during divorce or separation, our online therapists are here to help with the advice and tools you need. Book an Online Parent Consultation or get in touch with Chloe for more information.
Recommended Books for Children:
“Dinosaur’s Divorce” by L K Brown & M.Brown. A colourful, informative book to help children understand divorce. Helps explain: what divorce words mean; why parents divorce; how to live with one parent and visit the other; how to have two homes; and many more issues and topics..
“Two Places to Call Home” by Phil Earle. An uplifting picture book about Florrie who’s parents have divorced, meaning she now lives in 2 houses. She doesn’t feel brave enough to do this, but both parents find a way to show her she’s braver than she thinks.
“Mum and Dad Glue” by Kes Gray. A little boy tries to find a pot of parent glue to stick his mum and dad back together. His parents have come undone and he wants to mend their marriage, stick their smiles back on and make them better. But, as he learns, even though his parents’ relationship may be broken, their love for him is not.
